All The News That Doesn’t Fit Anywhere Else
BY SUSIE DAY | NYPD to Racially Profile White Males
New York, NY — Mayor Michael Bloomberg and Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly announced today in a joint press conference that, following a recent study on race and “going-postal” homicides, the New York City Police Department will revamp its Stop and Frisk crime prevention policy by instructing officers to stop and frisk male Caucasians.
Stating that their main concern was, per usual, the safety of the average citizen, Mr. Bloomberg explained, “We did one of those comprehensive studies where you get data and then you look at the data. We wanted to find out who’s most likely to gun down innocent New Yorkers — besides police officers just doing their job, I mean.”
Commissioner Kelly cut in to elucidate: “We pored over decades of public homicide cases, pinpointing deranged shootings in just the last couple of years. The clear majority of perps were like that guy in Tucson who shot 18 people including Gabrielle Giffords; or that guy in Wisconsin who killed six people at that Sikh temple; or that guy in Colorado who shot up that midnight showing of “Batman”; or that Norwegian guy who killed 77 people; or, lest we forget, that guy here in Manhattan who shot an ex-coworker at the Empire State Building. The list goes on.”
“Using science,” Mayor Bloomberg added, “we were able to ascertain that the shooters had two things in common — they were male and they were pale.”
According to noted forensic whitemanologists, recent laboratory tests show that the hormone testosterone can undergo a pronounced chemical exacerbation in those Caucasoids who possess the XY chromosome and a relative dearth of the epidermal pigment melanin. If exposed to certain socioeconomic factors, this condition can produce a carbon-based, bilaterally symmetrical, rage-filled, dude-like organism whose desire to be King of the Universe comes into direct conflict with his inability to get a really good tan at the beach. His rage festers until the white male organism feels that there is no alternative but to buy a sunhat, get some guns, go out, and mow people down.
“We were blown away — nonviolently, of course — to learn that just about every marauding psycho in our study was badass and beige,” Mr. Bloomberg concluded. “And there we were, assuming that the danger to society was black and brown men. Was our face red.”
“Henceforth, we pledge to use our white supremacy for good,” declared Commissioner Kelly. “Also, we figure that if we start racially profiling white people, the NAACP and the New York Civil Liberties Union will finally stop dissing us.”
As the mayor went on to repeat the entire press conference in his inimitable Spanish, Grover Boynton, a high school basketball coach who happened to attend the event, expressed concern.
“I sure hope this doesn’t mean that white folks will stop seeing African-American men as threatening,” said Mr. Boynton. “White people who avoid sitting next to me on the subway or who step away from me on the street are about the only way society lets me know I exist. Yo, I better go buy me another hoodie.”
Wikileaks: Hating Ahmadinejad Promotes Sound Ecology
Washington, DC — The rogue news source Wikileaks has released four years of confidential emails consisting of some 50,000 interchanges between President Barack Obama and representatives of various Western governments. According to the main thread, world leaders — depressed that nine countries already possess about 22,000 nuclear weapons capable at any moment of creating global Armageddon —– decided to distract themselves and everybody else with inane quandaries over whether Iran is about to make a nuclear bomb.
“OMG guys,” writes the newly elected President Obama in an email dated January 26, 2009, “the American people have suffered so much from this economy. How can I tell them that, given the unstable world situation, they should also worry about thermonuclear war — not to mention nuclear waste disposal, power plant radiation leaks, climate change, global warming, and the death of the Earth as we’ve known it? 🙁 🙁 🙁 ”
An as yet unidentified UN ambassador responds: “Just do as our gouvernement does when it is tired of defending its anti-Islamic ban on face-veils. We accuse Iran of lying about its uranium enrichment and reprocessing activities. Le LOL!”
A transcript of the ensuing discussion follows:
Prez@whitehouse.gov: But Iran signed the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty. Shouldn’t we worry more about Pakistan, India, and Israel? They never signed.”
Bibi@netanyahoo.com: So what? A barbaric country like Iran cannot be permitted to nuke civilized, freedom-loving countries, like us. Whereas, a civilized country nuking barbaric dictatorships protects our Freedom.
Prez@whitehouse.gov: “Like when the US nuked Japan?”
Frenchdude@UN.org: Allons, boys. Let us displace our fear of planetary extinction with the evil of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Getting people to fear and hate him like he was Dracula will save the Earth.
Prez@whitehouse.gov: Yeah, well, I sure hate Dracula. vv <– get it? Fangs??? …
While the State Department expressed outrage at this unprecedented revelation of sensitive communiqués, much of the general public, for some reason, continues to fear and hate Iran’s president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
“Thanks to that fascist Iranian vampire, we’re way calmer than if our news media were headlining nuclear dangers in our own backyard,” said Bernie Blackout, vice-president of New Yorkers for Surviving Late Capitalism. “Dangers like those 16 nuclear power plants in the path of Hurricane Sandy.”