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Armed Woman Massacres All-Male Harvard Club

BY SUSIE DAY | Harvard University remains shut down one day after a lone woman wielding a Bushmaster .223 semiautomatic rifle broke through security at the university’s elite, men-only Porcellian Club and shot 14 white male students to death. The female — of indeterminate age, race, and sexual attractiveness — was described as wearing a […]

Hot & Pulsating: Sex Toys Save the Earth

BY SUSIE DAY | I just found out that the WANK-O Sex Toy Company (a subsidiary of Dow Corning) gives out grants to promising lesbian writers. It’s part of their corporate affirmative action campaign to take over the world. Of course, their rising sex-toy profit rate means they probably play an increasing role in the acceleration […]

Shoppers Without Borders: Curing Media-Inflicted War Wounds

BY SUSIE DAY | Paige Turner, a 29-year-old graduate of Grinnell College’s creative writing program, came to New York to start her life as a novelist. She got some gigs chronicling upscale Manhattan lifestyles for glossy magazines: “good background for my first socially conscious bestseller!” Things were going great — she was online most of […]

Barbie’s Gay Pride Shocker!

BY SUSIE DAY | Get out! Get out of here and never come back!” shrieked an enraged Barbie, as she hurled a tiny bedroom slipper in my direction. The dainty missile careened off an itty-bitty bust of Ken, then shattered the frame that held a photo of Barbie’s best friend, Midge. “Take your Gay Pride […]

The White Supremacist’s Guide to Social Inclusion

BY SUSIE DAY | Are you anti-Semitic? Hate black people? Detest queers? Do you feel there are too many “mongrels” in today’s society? Dread the time when your race will no longer be in the majority? When inferior, sub-human hordes desecrate the genteel values of Western Civilization and force you into the swamp to dig […]

Jesus Quits As Evangelical Savior: My Biggest Scoop Ever!

 BY SUSIE DAY | At 11 p.m. EST last night, Jesus H. Christ interrupted regularly scheduled programs on every TV channel across the Western Hemisphere with a stunning simulcast announcement. Effective immediately, Jesus stated, “I resign My post as Lord and Savior at every evangelical church or Christian organization that sponsors anti-gay legislation or seeks to […]

Tarek Mehanna: His Tragic Immoderation

BY SUSIE DAY | I  have become a card-carrying, tax-paying moderate, thanks to a study I found in Politico.com. Psychologists Kaitlin Toner and Mark Leary discovered that the more extreme politicians’ views are, the more they think they’re right. In fact, politicians’ “belief superiority” — the certainty that their own viewpoints are correct — was linked to […]

Lynne Stewart Is Out — Should Queers Care?

Lynne Stewart Is Out — Should Queers Care?

BY SUSIE DAY | Lynne Stewart is out of prison. Lynne Stewart, the defense attorney convicted of providing material support for terrorism and given a 10-year sentence by the feds. Suffering from metastasizing breast cancer, which doctors say will kill her within 18 months, Lynne was given compassionate release by the Bureau of Prisons after thousands […]

Post-DOMA Dos and Don’ts For the Single Queer

BY SUSIE DAY | Now that the Defense of Marriage Act has been repealed and same-sex couples in select states are free to legally marry, homophobia has lost much of its cultural currency. These days, discerning bigots consider it passé to hate homos, bi’s, trannies, or the gender-questioning, as long as they’ve gone to all the […]

Orange is Not New, and Prison is Not Our Best Color

Orange is Not New, and Prison is Not Our Best Color

BY SUSIE DAY | Twenty-five years ago, I, a hapless reporter on assignment, went to the DC Jail and met the woman who was to be my life partner. I interviewed her about her political bombing case; we fell in love; I visited her in various prisons for 11 years; she was released; we’re now spending […]

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