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Ask Miss Informed! Tumescent Advice for the Academically Closeted

BY SUSIE DAY | Dear Miss Informed, I am an English composition and creative writing instructor, experiencing great romantic pain at a small, Midwestern women’s college. You see, I have fallen desperately in love with the woman here who coaches basketball. She has the cutest little buzz-cut, yet seems reluctant to acknowledge my existence. The poems […]

Another Lunatic Leftist Comes in From the Cold

BY SUSIE DAY | You want to know why I’m nuts, Doctor? I’m part of the lunatic left, that’s why. My delusions of intellectual grandeur are great enough to make me believe that I can actually comprehend the bombings, the embargoes, the torture — all wrought by the good old US of A — while everybody […]

In Bad Repair: An Exclusive Interview with Mr. Zeitgeist

BY SUSIE DAY | It isn’t often a marginalized countercultural journalist such as myself gets to interview America’s Mr. Big. But finally they let me in to see Mr. Zeitgeist. Like most of us, Mr. Zeitgeist comes from immigrant stock. His name combines the German words for “time” (zeit) with “spirit” (geist).” Mr. Zeitgeist is, indeed, […]

Outing Torture Queen Bikowsky

BY SUSIE DAY | Dear Alfreda Frances Bikowsky, So many people want to be famous. Not you. You were content to let Jessica Chastain portray a more competent version of your waterboarding and bin Laden-stalking self in the film “Zero Dark Thirty.” You never asked for credit. But now, thanks to the Senate Select Intelligence […]

“Accidental” Murders, From Garner To Afghanistan

“Accidental” Murders, From Garner To Afghanistan

BY SUSIE DAY | Last Wednesday, December 3, a Staten Island grand jury announced it would not indict NYPD officer Daniel Pantaleo for the choking death of Eric Garner, an unarmed Black man, whose crime was, at most, selling a few loose cigarettes on the street. Officially, then, no one is culpable for what millions of […]

Armed Woman Massacres All-Male Harvard Club

BY SUSIE DAY | Harvard University remains shut down one day after a lone woman wielding a Bushmaster .223 semiautomatic rifle broke through security at the university’s elite, men-only Porcellian Club and shot 14 white male students to death. The female — of indeterminate age, race, and sexual attractiveness — was described as wearing a […]

Hot & Pulsating: Sex Toys Save the Earth

BY SUSIE DAY | I just found out that the WANK-O Sex Toy Company (a subsidiary of Dow Corning) gives out grants to promising lesbian writers. It’s part of their corporate affirmative action campaign to take over the world. Of course, their rising sex-toy profit rate means they probably play an increasing role in the acceleration […]

Shoppers Without Borders: Curing Media-Inflicted War Wounds

BY SUSIE DAY | Paige Turner, a 29-year-old graduate of Grinnell College’s creative writing program, came to New York to start her life as a novelist. She got some gigs chronicling upscale Manhattan lifestyles for glossy magazines: “good background for my first socially conscious bestseller!” Things were going great — she was online most of […]

Barbie’s Gay Pride Shocker!

BY SUSIE DAY | Get out! Get out of here and never come back!” shrieked an enraged Barbie, as she hurled a tiny bedroom slipper in my direction. The dainty missile careened off an itty-bitty bust of Ken, then shattered the frame that held a photo of Barbie’s best friend, Midge. “Take your Gay Pride […]

The White Supremacist’s Guide to Social Inclusion

BY SUSIE DAY | Are you anti-Semitic? Hate black people? Detest queers? Do you feel there are too many “mongrels” in today’s society? Dread the time when your race will no longer be in the majority? When inferior, sub-human hordes desecrate the genteel values of Western Civilization and force you into the swamp to dig […]

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